I’m not crazy.

“Just because it’s ‘all in your head’, doesn’t make it any less real.”

I was recently asked,
“Why are you so negative?”
And is shrugged off the question saying my previous statement had been misconstrued.
But maybe it’s because, there’s a war in my head.

Does anyone remember the shows we watched as children,
Where every now and again the characters would have a decision to make,
the good angel and the bad angel would try to persuade them either way.

Well I’ve got a positive and negative angel.
Medically I guess you could call it anxiety disorder,
but whatever it is…
I’ve got to stop listening to the negative angel in my head.

Every move I make is shrouded with, “what can go wrong?”
Every friend I’ve ever had, I’ve occasionally thought, “that’s it, they hate me”
Need me to talk on the phone with someone other than my mother? Cue panic.

Some of my “what can go wrong” thoughts aren’t all bad,
And some are wildly unlikely.
Doing my job in Colorado, while belaying kids, I think “what can go wrong?”
And I can easily answer that, but it also keeps me very tuned in and accountable to make sure nothing DOES go wrong.
Some of the wildly unlikely ones involve normal every day things just making me overly nervous.
I can make myself so nervous that I am physically sick.

If we are friends, at some point I have thought you hated me.
You can look at me weirdly, you can say something slightly off, or you can do nothing at all,
And I will be convinced you’re mad at me.
At the current moment I have two friends I think are mad at me.
One because “He seems distant”
and another because “She doesn’t talk to me as much”
What do those excuses even mean? I don’t know, but it’s what my mind came up with.
Don’t try to rationalize with me, unless you are those people then you can do nothing to ease my mind.

The phone, oh god, the phone.
I’m 21 years old and making a phone call sends fear through me.
I can talk on the phone with my mother with ease, cause she’s mom, duh.
And I will talk on the phone with friends if needed, but I don’t love it.
(exception made for ONE person, because I don’t even know…)
But I especially cannot call people I don’t know.
Anything from inquiring something or ordering pizza,
I cannot talk to a stranger.
Which is odd, because I’ll never need to talk to them again

I’ve stopped friendships from ever even forming because of anxiety.
I lose sleep over thoughts of things that will never happen.
And sometimes, situations make me so anxious that my hands do weird things,
my mother and I have lovingly dubbed this, “pterodactyl hands”,
but all it really is a form of a mild anxiety attack.

But you know what,
I’m not crazy.
There are bad days and there are good days,
But just because I have bad days and every single thing makes me feel scared, it doesn’t mean I am crazy.
Forms of anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness,
and affects 18% of the American population.

So yeah, that’s it, I have anxiety.
And it’s a struggle,
But it doesn’t define me,
And it won’t stop me.



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