That’s what my brother told me tonight.
In the same phone call where I was informed his cancer was back.
Even though we had just celebrated less than two weeks ago that chemo was over.
It. Came. Back.
Wanna know what’s worse than your brother getting cancer?
Celebrating being cancer free, and it coming back in the blink of an eye.
I know cancer often comes back,
but this fast?
That’s cruel, that’s a joke.
I’m in the weirdest mood right now.
I get mad,
and then I get upset because I’m mad,
and then I get mad that I’m crying,
and it’s a vicious cycle.
I’m hurting, ok?
I do not show weakness, or emotion, so I don’t know if my friends know how to deal with me.
Or really if I want to be dealt with.
God gives his biggest storms to his strongest soldiers,
I know that.
But tell me why, this happened:
An hour before I got that phone call I ran into an old friend, and she expressed joy for me and my family that the battle was over.
AND THEN BAM it’s back.
That’s a sick joke.
When I was 10 years old I was diagnosed with scoliosis,
and at 12 I had two metal rods put into my back.
My brother stood by me in that,
even traveled to from Florida to be there for the surgery.
He was amazing, he never wavered from big brother duties.
So how am I supposed to be strong for him?
I am not the strong one in this family–I’m the little sister.
I just don’t know how to be the sister I need to be.
I haven’t seen him since August…
and I hate to say it, but as much as I want to see him, I don’t know if I’m strong enough.
I’m getting upset about the silliest things.
I’m mad because I don’t know how to be a good sister.
I’m mad because I’m not with my family.
I’m mad because my sorority philanthropy helps kids with cancer, but not adults.
I’m mad because while I spent my evening laughing at dinner with friends, my brother was getting this news.
I’m just mad.
I know this post is pretty much just a jumble of feelings and stuff,
but I just want someone to tell me why,
and no one can.
But alas, our battle rages on.
We’ve won this before, and we’ll win it again.
Cancer cannot and will not beat us.